the fool who eats pandesal

I am officially a bum now. ‘Left the company I worked for (6.5yrs!) last Wednesday. Withdrawal symptom kicked in and have been sad if not crying since. It is only recently that I realized that the timing of my leaving is soo off that I just blew off a big amount of money which I utterly need now. I tried my best to rationalize things, but it haunts me in my dreams. Sayang. I could have used the money to fix our house that got affected by the rains, to have my parents have serious check up, dentures for them too, donated to a college friend who just underwent hysterectomy, donated to a close friend whose both parents just died, aided an ex-neighbor who got relocated to Bulacan and has been begging help from us last week, helped my sister’s financially challenged ex (who got paralyzed because of an accident) with his therapy, and so on.

I am on break for two weeks till I jump in to my new job. I imagined going on a vacation overseas with my son as I have been out of the country only once and it’s for work, not recreation. And sonshine has never ridden an airplane yet. But checking what’s left in my bank account and when I’ll get my next wage, vacation just went pffft!

The typhoon and monsoon rains may have already left, but the dark cloud still hovers top of my head. I hate it that am soo needy of money. I have worked for more than a decade now and somehow I still feel poor. I still live in the same poverty/violence-stricken neighborhood (a guy’s arm and neck just got chopped by an ax last week by some outraged friend of his. for real!), I still commute (tricycle, jeep, train), I don’t own any property. So yeah, I could have used the money.

So this morning, albeit lack of sleep, I woke up early, waking from a bad dream, that is still, yes, about money. I took a bath in the hope to wash off this heavy and dirty feeling of desperate need for money. There’s no food on the table, not even bread, so I went out to the market and scrounged for food. Bought newspaper (reading relaxes me), passed by a Lotto stall and what the heck! Betted on a 6/49 lottery. Who knows luck may turn my way. ūüôā

Read the major headlines. Got worried for DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo,who’s still missing from the plane crash yesterday,

touched by the humbling story of solo parent MMDA Saturnino Fabros, who was belittled by some obnoxious Volvo owner guy,

and then read the Daily Gospel and Fr. Jerry Orbos’ Moments column. After the anti RH Bill campaigns in churches, I sorta stopped attending mass for two Sundays now. Today, troubled and all, I was tap dancing whether to go to church or not.So resorted to the newspaper readings and gospel for now.

First Reading from Proverbs 9:1-6 says, “Give up your foolishness and you will live; take the straight path of discernment.”

Second Reading from Ephesians 5:15-20 says, “Pay attention to how you behave. Do not live as the unwise do, but as responsible persons.”, “… So do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is.”

Reading on, it’s from Fr. Jerry M. Orbos column Moments, that greatly spoke to me –

“There are many things we cannot explain and understand in this life. This is where belief and faith come in, and maybe that is all that the Lord asks of us many times as we go through life. As it were, faith is an invitation to go beyond what is quantifiable and seen to that which is unknown and unseen. Faith is by no means a downgrade. It raises us up, and it helps us ‚Äúsee‚ÄĚ more clearly, widely, deeply.”

Someone noted that we should go beyond our ‚Äúpandesal mentality‚ÄĚ (bread) and go into our ‚Äúpandasal mentality‚ÄĚ (prayer). Naturally, we hold on to what is visible, quantifiable, and controllable.

Our ‚Äúpandesal mentality‚ÄĚ can weigh us down as we journey on. On the other hand, our ‚Äúpandasal mentality‚ÄĚ can uplift us as we journey on. We need to strike a healthy balance of work and faith as we journey on.

…it‚Äôs not what you eat, but what eats you.”

True enough, material things have been eating me up whole these past few months and have been the things guiding my decisions that I feel sidetracked. I wouldn’t say all my decisions were wrong though, but I admit that I could have done things better, wiser. I have honestly been acting foolish with all these “panghihinayang”, but compared to others, I know I am blessed.

I was longing to take a plane and fly for vacation, but it is the same flying that is now the cause of anguish to DILG Sec. Robredo’s family and other crew members as the plane crash victims remain to be unfound.

I missed some bonus money, but I’ve always had a steady job that can provide for my family’s essentials. I don’t have six kids to feed unlike MMDA Saturnino Fabros. My sonshine and nephew are in school and I don’t need to borrow money to make ends meet which is what MMDA Fabros has been doing to raise his family.

Indeed life has been good  РI still have my neck and arms intact thank you, unlike that guy from our market Рso why the hell am I sulking and complaining? Because I have been out of focus and foolish.

Reading and praying not only relaxes, but ENLIGHTENS. Thank you God, Universe (for the ecumenical) for my pandasal and the faith it brings. I am a bum for now, but a fool no more. =)

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